Kindness comes in various forms.
For example, I tested your saliva.
Now that’s just flat out kindness.
A lesser man would’ve taken it to a laboratory.
That’s not the way I operate.
I tested it myself.
The results came back on Thursday.
I say “came back” they were with me at all times of course.
That's just a turn of phrase.
Anyway, it turns out your saliva isn’t saliva.
It’s tears.
Shocking, I know.
Something catastrophic has happened in your mouth.
Something dreadful, just awful.
The only way to change things is if we kiss.
Specifically you, specifically me.
Don’t look at me like that.
I don’t make the rules.
I just try my best to follow them.
And if we don’t follow rules,
obviously society descends
into absolute fucking chaos.

Tiny Finger Point